you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
