You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
