Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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