Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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