i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
