Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
