My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
