Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
