Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I am never drinking with the goths again.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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