there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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