I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
