Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
