There was a lot of him and a little penis
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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