They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
