I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
