i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
