I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
