I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
