i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Randomize
