mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
