This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
