I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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