I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
