I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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