I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
