Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
