ya dads aren't the best wingmen
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
