Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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