She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
