dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Church boner. Awkwardddd
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
