I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Randomize
