I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
