i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
