take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
it's like iHOP with fire
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
