When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
