there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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