I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
