Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
