So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I love having hate sex.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
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