Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
