the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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