hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
