im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
