At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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