just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
