things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize