My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
