Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
