My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
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