you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
