she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
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