nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
