I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
