Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
